Alone But Not Really Alone
by BillyAngelNow
Summary: This is a story I thought of based on the movie Avengers. This is not the first story I've written but it's the first one I upload here. There is no way to describe the plot without giving something away so you'll just have to read it if you're interested. This is the story for now but I can add more. Rated M because i'm kind of paranoid. No copyright intended.
1. Chapter 1

JARVIS's voice alerted us that Clint Barton and Natasha Romanoff were coming home from their mission. I know only that the mission was accomplished, but no one told me the damages. This was very disturbing as I was always aware of my sister and her partner's health condition during and after finishing a mission.

"They've landed. We need…"the rest of the conversation didn't concern me at that precise moment. They have landed. That meant that I could finally hear everything firsthand. I rushed towards the landing space on the top of the Stark Tower just to see Natasha getting off on her own with just a bandage wrapped around her sinew. The shock came after that. I putted my hands over my mouth trying to suffocate the scream that wanted to burst its way out of my mouth. Clint was on a portable bed his ears bleeding doctors yelling. I felt my body bending and someone's strong arms catching me and supporting my body which refused to move. Once I redeemed control of it, without me thinking, my body started struggling to get to him. I looked down to at least narrow the possibilities of who was holding me and saw Tony's hands wrapped around me.

"I have to go to him!" I screamed to everyone and no one at the same time. "He'll be just fine. He's a strong son of a bitch." Tony's effort to be calming failed as he only cursed at Barton's address when he was worried. I burst into tears and crumbled down once more. This time, my knees and palms hit the ground, either because Stark allowed me to, or because he was too distracted at that moment. I stayed there crying until I finally fell asleep, right there, on the floor. Tony stayed with me until I've fallen asleep, then someone had carried me to my room and tucked me into my bed.

I dreamed about Segun again. Ever since she disappeared with that guy, Loki, she's been appearing in my dreams almost every night. This time again. She was screaming, screaming my name, but no sound came out of her mouth. She was screaming with her eyes closed and once she stopped soundlessly yelling she opened them and stared right into mine.

I woke up screaming. Once I calmed down I acknowledged where I was and what has happened the night before. I got up and stormed out of my room, almost knocking Steve Rogers off his feet. I mumbled one sorry and continued sprinting towards the hospital level. Once I reached I started walking normally, walking by some doctors until I saw Clint's record in one of the doctors.

"I suggest you tell me Agent Barton's condition, because if you don't I swear you'll regret that you've been born." I hissed at the doctor grabbing his arm. He was about 15 inches taller than me and at least twice my weight but I had no problem not only bringing him to his knees, but also breaking two of his limbs with minimum effort. I waited patiently for all the details, rogering only the fact that Clint was now deaf, but there was only a slight possibility that he would recover his hearing as he has lost it once before.

I rushed over to his room I stole a peek at his medical record. I found Natasha sitting beside his door. "He doesn't want to see anyone now. He can't understand you anyway." warned me my sister when I reached for the door's knob. I kneeled beside her and caught her shoulder. "Don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault he got hurt." I gave her a kiss on the cheek and rubbed a tear that has rolled down her side. I got up and grabbed the knob and looked down at her "And I don't give a fuck about what he wants." I turned the knob and got in the room.

The sight of him in that bed, patches on his ears, almost made me cry. His eyes were closed, which made him look like a dead man. I walked over to him and put one hand on top of his. His eyes flew open filled with horror. I put a finger over my mouth in a universal sign to stay silent, completely forgotten all about the deaf that language I knew. A tear rolled down my face and he put his right hand to his right eye and slid it down showing me that I'm crying. I nodded and took my hand off of his. I put my hands in front of me twisting them in movement close to opening a candy. _Pain?_ Ne shook his head negatively. I tried to use only key signs in case he doesn't remember that much. I made sure he was looking right at me before I showed him the next sign. I put my fist to the center to my forehead, the thumb facing me, and stretched my pinky and thumb. _Idiot._ That's what the sign meant.

He just smiled a little and strokes my cheek. He made no sign but I read the next thing only in his eyes. _I know._ He took a deep breath and spoke, very poorly as he could not hear himself. "I'm sorry." He put his index finger under his lower lip and slid it down._ Red._ Then he followed the line of his eyebrows with his index finger and then moved it in front of his mouth, the tip of his finger pointed me, forming a bird's beak. _Raven. _I couldn't bare it anymore and I crumbled once again my head resting on his arm, tears sliding down my face, falling on him. The last thing I remember is his other hand cosseting the back of my head.

The next few days things got better. I spent most of my free time in his room. The doctors kept saying that he might restore his hearing, but no one did anything, so I took the matter into my own hands. We did some hearing exercise, but nothing happened, so I decided to train another useful skill – sensing. He was good at it.

I was in the common level with the rest of the team. They were all chatting and having breakfast, but I knew that it was all a façade. They were all sad and tired, no one was really happy with life. Somehow Pepper was showing more emotions than the rest of the team. She had just entered the room and came beside me to pour some coffee into her mug. "Morning." She sounded tired and she looked like she has been crying. "Morning, Pepper." I took the liberty to pat her on the shoulder and felt how thin she has became lately. I took my mug and went to talk to Tony. "I think it's best if you take Pepper and go somewhere. As far away from all the worries as possible." He looked at me with question. "She's lost quite some weight. And she's constantly crying. Just go, I think we can survive on our own for a month or so." He looked at me for a second and then stood up. He caught my shoulder and leaned to kiss my cheek. "Thank you, Irina." He then went to Pepper and whispered something in her ear. Both of them walked out and I took Tony's place on the table. Thor was eating a tart with very thoughtful expression on his face, Steve was reading a book, Bruce was scanning the paper and Natasha was eating her breakfast. The room became deathly quiet once Tony left it, as if everybody were talking because of him. The silence was making me lose my mind. I opened my mouth to say something but JARVIS's voice spoke before me. "We have a problem. Agent Barton has decided to leave his room. Should I take any measures about it?" Bruce got up leaving the paper on the table. "No need, JARVIS. We'll take care of it." He looked at me with expectation. "I can't communicate with him. I need you to come with me." I left my cup of coffee on the table and went after Bruce.

We saw Barton just a few rooms from his, struggling to move on walking. He was like a cat without its whiskers. I helped Bruce carry him back to his room when we put him in bed he caught my arm. "Bruce. He wants to tell us something." Clint put his right hand on his chest and patted, then he showed his head from chin to top and then put both his hands in front of him and twisting his hands. "What did he say?" asked Bruce. "He said: My head hurts." I raised my finger and shook it, a sign that most people think is denial. It actually means _where_. He put both his hands on his temples and slid them to somewhere above his ears. "What might be wrong with him?" I asked turning to Bruce. He just shrunk his shoulders. "Is there anything else wrong?" the doctor asked more me than him. Once more I turned to Clint but before I could ask him anything he put his index and middle finger in front of him and brought them down shaking his hand. _Buzz._ In my hurry I pointed at him, then my ear and repeated the sign for buzz. _You hear buzzing?_ He nodded but I could tell he wasn't sure if he really hears it.

I looked back at Bruce. "He says he hears buzzing." Without paying attention to what I was doing signed while talking. "His hearing might be returning, but if it's so we'll have to make some more tests… How is that possible? No one told me that he was doing exercises for his ears." I looked at him half guilty, half pleased. "I did them on my own. I lost my hearing for a while a few years back. I remembered most of the exercises." Bruce was about to say something when Clint screamed. The sound of wounded and terrified animal I have never heard coming from him this whole time I have known him.

The next few days Clint went through all kinds of tests. Tony and Pepper were somewhere around the globe, Natasha went with Steve on a mission so it was only Thor, me and Bruce. But Bruce had work too, so it was only me and Thor who wandered around the Tower like ghosts haunting a house. I have never felt so alone and so cold in my life. This was ironic. I grew up in Russia, I lived through some cold winters, and I've been captured more than once, without back up team, extraction point or emergency line, only me and my skills. Sometimes I had been alone for months locked up somewhere. But none of these experiences was even close to what I felt now. I had no reason to fight, no anger in me. I was empty. Hollow.

I was on the top f the roof. Not where the landing space was. I climbed higher. On the top of the building. There I finally found some peace and quiet. I looked around turning in circles to take a better look at what was visible – everything. I could see the whole city from up here. A wave of excitement flew over me. It was fascinating how much you can see and hear, and feel up here.

I finally understood why Clint loved to be up high, over everybody else. A loud thunder, followed by a lightning. I saw the bright lightning hit the dark night's waters near the bay. I smiled as the first drops of cold water slid down my skin.

Alone but not really alone. The story of my life.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been two weeks since I last saw Clint. Everyone was back and trying to make him talk. The doctors said that he could now hear us, but he would not talk to anyone. I on the other side enjoyed the peace and quiet I got on the top of Stark Tower. The sunset and sunrise are amazing when you can see the whole city and the bay and during the day it was perfect for sunbathing. The problem was that at night it was freezing cold. Anyway I used the nights to train and get some sleep from time to time.

I was currently at the gym, fighting with a hologram that JARVIS so kindly projected. I fell on the floor due to a kick I had taken to the stomach. "You're surprisingly strong for a hologram." I tried to joke but coughed some blood at the end of the sentence. The projection disappeared and I heard JARVIS's voice coming from the radio. "Are you OK?" "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little out of shape." I got up and went to my bottle of water. "If it's any consolation you were better than the last time." I looked up, for no reason really. "Thank you JARVIS. That'll be all." I reached for my bottle but I heard something creeping behind me. I turned around as fast as I could, the bottle in my hand ready to distract whoever it was behind me long enough for me to get my knife out.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out." Natasha was standing next to the punching bag putting her gloves on. I looked at her with a look that she knew well. "I'm here to train, not chat. If you don't mean to join me, then don't interfere." She shrunk her shoulders and called me. "I hold – you punch. OK?" I nodded and went over to her. Ты устала. (You're tired.) She nodded.

We didn't say anything else for about an hour. Sweat was pouring down my face and I could feel my tank top sticky on my skin. The more tired I got, the more wrathful I hit. But I continued to hit long after my hands started to hurt. I could barely move my shoulders, old injuries kicked in and I finally couldn't move any more. I lost balance and used the punching bag to restore it. I went past Natasha to stand on the other side of the bag.

She wasn't as intent to hitting as I was. She stopped after 30 minutes and came to me. "Go and get some rest. You'll need it. Fury wants you on a mission." She started pushing me towards the door of the gym. "What kind of mission?" She just looked at me and stroked my back. "Easy in. Not so easy out. Break in, steal the blue-prints, and get out. The problem is the guard. But you're good in hand-to-hand combat, so you'll be just fine." That was the last thing she said to me until I got back.

I got my card out to unlock my room when I heard something from inside. I opened the door and entered totally disinterested in who was in my room and what was he doing there. "Get out." I said and shut the door behind me. "Actually, I can't. It'll be disobeying direct orders." I looked to who was talking. "I have to stay here until I tell you everything about the mission." I went over to my bedroom leaving the door open, but still hiding behind the corner. "I'm not in the mood, Barton?" There was a loud silence. One of those silences in which it is so quiet that you feel like someone's shouting in your ears. "What happened? What happened to that Irina, who sat there next to me while I was deaf?" I slid my old t-shirt over my head and a put pair of old pants on. I showed behind the corner and looked at him, leaning my back to the frame of the door. "I am the same person now, as I was then. It's the situation that has changed. I was the only one that could communicate with you then. Now things can go back to normal. And why the hell do you need me for this mission?" He looked at me with a glass look, which gave me the creeps. "We… I need a woman to take the blue-prints, but they already know Natasha. So I need you. You still are the only one that understands me." He stood up and came closer. Closer then he has ever been. "No one really knows what the silence is able to do to me. You can still feel it, can't you? Even though it's been years. Sometimes the silence is so… intense that you think you're still deaf." By the end of the sentence his voice got louder. I knew what was coming. He was going to start screaming. And he did. "It's fucking killing me, Irina. I wake up, alone in the quiet," his voice no louder than whisper. And suddenly his fist flew less than an inch from my face. I winced and shit my eyes and he started screaming again. Louder and louder with each word. "I just want to start screaming and scream and shout as loud as I can just to prove myself that I could fucking hear.

I could feel his breath on my face, one of his hands still holding the door frame beside me. I could hear the sobs he tried so desperately to cover, I could hear his heart beating fast. Everyone thought he was angry with someone, I know, I heard them talking earlier today. But he was not angry, he was scared. Terrified. "I know how this feels, Clint. But I'm not the one you should be asking for help." I finally opened my eyes to find him looking at me. He took a step back, pointed his eyes and then me._ Look._ He then pointed himself._ Me._ Put the fingers of his right hand into the fist of his left._ In._ Finally he pointed his eye._ Eye._ "I'm looking you in the eye, Clint, but that does not…" I was cut off by his hand which he put over my mouth. "I need you to help me." His voice was now a hiss. For the first time in ages I felt fear. The one that makes you freeze and stops you from saying anything. Tears flooded my eyes, I tried to swallow them, but it was too late. They started rolling down my cheeks. His hand loosened his grip. His first mistake. I lashed him in the jaw and he wobbled in front of me. It was my turn to hiss. "Get out of my room. Get out of here! Now!" he looked at me with confused face but turned and walked away. I wiped the tears in my eyes and went over to the bathroom.

I didn't close the door behind me, nor did I take my clothes when I turned the cold water and stepped into the shower. The icy water calmed me down and made me feel more relaxed. I knew this feeling wasn't going to last for long, so once I got out I opened all the windows and turned off all the lights. Dripping wet, lying on the bed I didn't notice when I fell asleep.

I woke up hardly breathing. My hands and feet were freezing. Could barely walk, but somehow got to the window to close it. Then went back to my bed and cringed under the covers.

The dream has made me realize something. It wasn't Clint that I was afraid of earlier. I was terrified of becoming like that. Becoming like him, again.


End file.
